It’s exactly 12:01 AM, and 355 days 23 hours and 59 seconds from now the world will end. 

So at least claimed the Mayans, that ancient civilization that lived in the Mesoamericas since 2600 BC. Even though their people have long been eradicated from the face of the Earth, they still never fail to mindfuck us with terror and fear. Did the ancient Mayans know something that we don’t?

The Mayans had an extremely complicated method of keeping track of time, based on three separate calendars. The most important and most encompassing of these calendars holds the ‘Long Count’ or the B’akht’un: the period from the beginning until the end of time. And on December 21, 2012, the Long Count expires. Time’s up for the universe. Apocalypse ensues. We die. Humankind turns to zip.

The Mayan long calendar puts the gameboard of Zuma Deluxe to shame.

Er… what?

Maybe it’s not a big deal, but still there are a couple of very interesting facts about the Mayan calendar’s end (no, your marbles to not get sucked in by the Sun God’s mouth in the end because you can’t match more than three colors). Most intriguing, December 21, 2012 is not a day like any other. Up in space, an extraordinary and rare event will take place: since it is a solstice day, the sun will move to a unique spot in the sky and hold still for a while. The sun will sit PRECISELY on the heavenly crossroads between the Milky Way and the galactic equinox, forming a perfect alignment with the center of the galaxy.

Shit?

No shit. I got to hand it to the Mayans; they knew a hell lot about the stars. For instance, they calculated the exact duration of a year to the thousandth of a decimal point, much more precise than any Greek or enlightened philosopher ever did. They even made use of the Fibonacci sequence even before Leonardo sequestered it. They kick ass and have nose piercings with bones right through the cartilaginous part.

Also, with their Zuma Deluxe gameboard, er, calendar, they were able to predict every single solar and lunar eclipse ACCURATELY up until this day. And obviously, they knew where the galactic equinox and the exact middle of the Milky Way lay, even without the use of telescopes or lenses.Legend even has it that they predicted the exact years of the World Wars. I wouldn’t be surprised if they could actually fly and had superpowers.

If you Google ‘Mayan prophecies that came true’ you would stumble upon several entries that would prove the awesome of the Mayans:

A. The Maya predicted the return of “Kukulcan” a white bearded god from the East, who had assisted them in setting up their great civilization; thought to be a survivor of the legendary Atlantis. The ass Spanish conquistadores arrived on queue, exactly on the day they predicted. It would appear the Maya were not expecting a god that would nearly wipe them out since they welcomed the conquistadors with open arms.

B. The Maya predicted the existence of a black home at the center of our Galaxy, a black hole they called “HUNAB KU”; their central sun and creator of all. In recent years, modern science confirmed the existence of a black hole at the center of our Milky Way galaxy.Burn, you scientists.

C. The Mayan Calendar predicted a total solar eclipse in 1999, it occurred on schedule.

D. The Mayan Calendar predicted an eruption of cosmic energy rays from the back hole would occur in 1992, twenty years prior to 2012. This energy would help create aggressive sun spots and bring increasingly hotter temperatures to Earth. We are now witnessing the affects now and our pollution is only making things worse. The cosmic energy rays were witnessed and confirmed in 2004. 

E. The Mayan Calendar predicted a change of consciousness from left-brain thinking to right-brain thinking (Logical to Intuitive) in the same time period as above. Further, some deduced the melt down of the world’s paper currencies in a period between Nov. 2007 and Oct. 2008 as humanity loses confidence in the abstract (paper currency) and embraces the more concrete, such as gold and other precious metals: they are both in process.

So if a Maya Tells you the world will end in 2012, you better take it seriously.

The Maya divided their Long Count into five lumps of time, called the Great Cycles. Every cycle has a well-defined end.  For example, after period number one, a Jaguar came by and ate everyone on Earth. Oh, BURN!

The second cycle ended in air, the third in fire, the fourth in flood. And what about the last period, our apocalypse? Earth, something to do with the ground.

Did I just spend my New Year’s Eve reading about the Mayans and the end of the world? God, I’m pathetic.

Watching too much Apocalypto fucked my mind. New Year’s Eve and I shit bricks. Someone, give me a mind condom.

In other news as it turns out, because of the impending apocalypse (or mostly because of the trying times), the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta, Georgia has recently issued a Zombie Apocalypse warning.  This ties in with the Mayan prediction that we will be destroyed by the element Earth (Well, figuratively, since the dead come from the earth)! Seriously. Well, sort of seriously.

So, for those of you who are interested, here are the precautions for a Zombie Apocalypse:

A. Get a disaster kit. Whether it a zombie apocalypse or otherwise (or even Harold Camping’s End of Days Fearless Prediction), you need a disaster kit. You can make a simple kit yourself – think: water, food, medication, radio, batteries, knife, tape, documents, and first aid.

B. Set a Meeting Place for Your Family. How many times do you see disaster movies where the families are separated and don’t know how to find each other?  Is little Timmy alive or have the Zombies already got him? Settle this once and for all with a meeting place and also a set way to communicate.  Smoke clouds and dusk, anyone? (I have since equipped myself in firemaking with only a flint and coconut husk. Sweet.)

C. Figure Out Your Evacuation Routes. When the zombies come-a-walking… Get. The. Hell. Out.

Your neighbors are now walking around hungry for brains.  Pack the family and move to the nearest military safety zone.  Then, while you are there catching your breath, plan your next evacuation route because the zombies are going to overrun that place too.

The CDC came out to say that this was a joke. But as we have seen from the past, such rumors can lead to market crashes, and a depreciation of the national currency. Would you be prepared if a market crash were to blow away your financial investments? What if you had a way to generate money real fast, or to preserve the little you had against such apocalyptic events like 9/11? 

Actually, I ended 2011 watching the Season 2 premiere of AMC’s The Walking Dead, the best show on TV since Glee destroyed the consciousness of today’s talentless kids.

I’d choose this zombie over Edward Cullen or his vampire coven any time.

Believe it or not, zombies are already among us. They may not eat people but they look like the living dead; no sleep, body deteriorating, pale, skinny, moody… med students. I guess the hardest part of the zombapocalypse would be keeping my cool, and by that I mean not constantly screaming “AWESOME!”

No, Amy Winehouse has not risen from the dead to reclaim her British crown from Adele, nor was she cast as a zombie in The Walking Dead.

I am so ready for the zombapocalypse. I read the books, watched the movies (Woody Harrelson I love you), and I’ve even started the Zombie Eradication Network (ZEN) in my own bedroom. My brother on the other hand, has since started the people for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies (PETZ), much to my chagrin. After watching too much True Blood, he believes that if ever the time of the zombapocalypse time comes, zombies may also have the right to live freely in the human world, devoid of discrimination and hatred. I say True Blood has changed him (I really think it’s the sex and Anna Paquin’s boobs, though).

The gun-wielding Andrew Lincoln is actually very friendly with the zombies. Maybe, come the zombie apocalypse, human survivors and zombies can make a truce. Careful still, they bite.

Anyways, after having loomed over sadness and the feeling of impending doom, I am now with a tub of ice cream, crying and listening to Dishwalla’s Angels or Devils. I  have since raped the replay button.

That Adele moment while listening to Dishwalla.

After having gone through this emotional turmoil, I have resolved to begin my Year of the Apocalypse without any resolutions. I’m just going to start a laptop fund so I can buy a new laptop before the world ends. This time I want a Mac.

So I am now officially beginning my countdown to the end of the world.

LAPTOP FUND: P1,000.00

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